


If only we could go back.

by awhitelilium



Category: Day6 (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Angst and Feels, Hurt, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-17
Updated: 2020-05-17
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:16:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24241930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awhitelilium/pseuds/awhitelilium
Summary: SungJin and Brian broke up after three years of relationship.SungJin's trying to move on, but something goes wrong as he receives a letter.
Relationships: Kang Younghyun | Young K/Park Sungjin
Comments: 4
Kudos: 33





	If only we could go back.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry for this sin. I felt like writing something angst, but it turned out to be a bit dramatic.  
> I hope I didn't exaggerate.  
> Thank you for being here!  
> I hope you'll enjoy it!

When he gets home, the apartment is still empty.  
He didn't get used to it, not yet. It's been months since the day those walls lost their warmth. The winter is far away, but SungJin has never felt this cold.  
The thought makes him smile bitterly. There was a person, his person - he used to intertwine their fingers together while watching a movie. It was a routine: SungJin would've tightened the hold, then the other would've rested his head against the older chest.  
"You're warm."

Why does he feel so cold, then? Why does his heart freeze when he opens his eyes every morning?  
He knows his heart can still beat. He hears it late at night when the feelings kick in. That bastard beats fast when the tears don't let him sleep. But as soon as the sun rises, it freezes.  
Sometimes SungJin forgets about that emptiness. Sometimes he laughs when Jae, his colleague, tells him some weird story or bickers with Wonpil about the recipe of the Caramel Latte.  
Those days are getting more and more common. He knows how happy his friends are, how worried they have been. He sees it in Wonpil's eyes every time he thinks SungJin's not looking at him. Day by day SungJin feels better. Things change as soon as he enters his apartment. Something in his chest breaks every time he smells that familiar scent. The light behind those big eyes extinguishes.

It's Friday night. The barista feels the weight of the whole week on his shoulders. The summer is coming and plenty of costumers look for a safe place from the hot sun.  
Since that morning, something has been off. SungJin has felt like some Damocles' sword was hanging upon his head. He checked every costumer's face, he winced when someone called his name.  
Jae had sent him a concerned look more than once.  
"Bro, is everything okay?" he asked, during their lunch break. SungJin sighed.  
"I know it's silly. I feel like he's going to show up anytime soon." he regretted the confession as soon as it left his lips. Jae's look became apologetic as he added, "It's just a silly feeling. I know nothing bad will happen."  
"Yeah, it's just a silly feeling."  
But something in his friend's tone didn't convince him. For the first time since SungJin started to work in that cafeteria, he was glad the break was over.

Nothing happened during that day. Brian didn't show up at his workplace, he didn't call.  
He hasn't shown up at his workplace in months. He didn't come to greed his friends. SungJin didn't dare to ask Jae if they were still in touch. He didn't dare to ask how he was.  
Has Brian missed him? Does he still think about their Sunday mornings? Has he ever dreamt about their trips to Busan? Has he ever begged the moon to take them back to the time when they were happy? Is he able to pronounce his name?  
Those questions still echo in his mind, unanswered.

With a tired movement, he throws the mail on his kitchen table - the bills spread all over the wood. Then, a letter catches his attention. Between the bills, there's a different envelope. There is no stamp, nothing written on it. SungJin freezes in place. The stream of his thoughts suddenly stops.  
He doesn't know how he finds himself grabbing the letter and quickly opening the envelope. He wants to read.  
Maybe Brian changed his mind. Maybe he still feels something for him. Maybe he has never been bored with him.  
It's just a paper, scribbled with shaky handwriting.  
SungJin's eyes wet as soon as he recognizes the sender.

_I've wanted to write you a letter for a while, now. I've wondered how you feel. Maybe you've been better without my apathetic moments. Maybe you've already settled down. I hope you're happy. I hope someone loves you the way you deserve, the way I wasn't able to._  
_We had been together for three years and during those days I tasted happiness. I felt alive. In my happiest memories, you are by my side, and I can't help but be grateful for that._  
_I hurt you and I regret every moment of it. I regret telling you I was disappointed in you and watching your eyes holding tears back. I regret telling you it was okay - disappointments are part of human relationships._

_I hurt you and you didn't deserve it. I didn't deserve you. Yet, someone wanted us to meet. Something made me falling in love with your smile, with the way you always rejected anyone's touch but leaned on my shoulder. Something wants me to think about you every night and cry over those talks about a future that won't come._

_I wanted to know how it feels to live without me. I've never been without me before. I wonder how it is to live without my silly worries and my burnt eggs in the early mornings_ _._ _How is it not to have me cooking for you?_  
_I wonder how it is not to have me there, ready to do anything just to make you smile. I've never been without myself before. So, I had been wondering if you ever thought the same. How is it living without you?_  
_I wondered._  
_But I don't want an answer. I lost myself trying to remember you. I lost myself trying to remember the warmth of your arms. I forgot my laugh._  
_My heart beats just because yours is still alive. I miss me. I miss us._

SungJin takes a moment before reading the last paragraph. Tears cross his face. He couldn't recollect himself. He finds himself sitting on the cold pavement. His legs feel weak. No thoughts in his mind - just a huge weight on his chest. His lungs are burning in search of oxygen. How long has he been crying?

_At first, I thought I had been better without you. It was a matter of time before I realized how broken and empty I felt._  
_Please, be happy. Jae doesn't want to tell me anything about you. He worries I won't move on. I haven't told him I don't want to move on yet._ _I don't think I'll be able to stop thinking about what I lost._  
_I got used to our routine, I forgot how it feels to love you. I misunderstood everything. I was so wrong. I loved us. I still do._  
_I know it's late. I don't expect anything from this letter. I don't think you'll take me back, I'm not asking you to. I don't want you to be hurt. I know I fucked up. I just hope you're happy now._  
_Please, eat well. Don't eat ramyon every day and don't skip meals._  
_Don't stay up late at night reading some boring book. Take care of yourself._  
_I think you still have me in your heart._

_Be happy._

_Brian._

For some reason, SungJin didn't want that letter to end. He wants to feel Brian's voice in his head, to hear again those words. His heart is thumping against his chest. The man wonder if it's trying to keep him from dying. Now all he can feel is the emptiness eating him alive.

It's late at night when his phone turns off. SungJin lies in bed, the letter under his pillow. Tears stopped, but so did his mind. He doesn't think anything anymore. Brian is all that makes sense.  
When he finally looks at the screen, Jae's calling him.

"Jae, I don't feel like talking."  
"Brian told me about the letter. How do you feel?"  
"Is he there?"  
The other sighs "He is."  
"Do you think he is sincere?" Silence.  
"Yeah. I think he is."  
"I miss him too." SungJin's confession breaks on his lips.

"I'm sorry." But it wasn't Jas's voice anymore. "I am so sorry."

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!  
> Please, leave a comment below and let me know what you think about it. I love reading your comments, they make me want to improve more and more.  
> English is still hard, I hope I'll be able to write more fluently in the future. 
> 
> Stay safe and be happy everyone!


End file.
